Monthly Archives: March 2023

Writing Tips

Regarding Sensory Detail

I know you’ve heard the expression “show not tell,” but what does that mean? Is it always wrong to tell? No, but do it sparingly so as not to slow down the pace of your story.

Below is a brief example of showing versus telling. The times to tell are when you’re giving background info. But don’t give too much at once (called an info dump). Try sprinkling any background info (telling) throughout a chapter and avoid huge blocks of telling. Keep the action moving, whenever possible.

Showing, on the other hand, enables the reader to get inside a character (seeing what she sees, feeling what she feels, etc.). The opening to my present book is a good example. I will mark what’s background info, what’s sensory detail, what’s emotion and what’s dialogue. You can do this with any section of writing and decide if the four elements –background info, sensory detail, emotion and dialogue–are fairly evenly divided. It’s not an exact science, but if your block of text is highly weight toward one of these four, it might be time for a rewrite.

“Cradled between two pine branches, I don’t move a muscle. (Description and Showing with sensory detail – sight – also heightened Emotion – why doesn’t she move a muscle?)

Twenty feet below, a dozen uniformed guards—Jupiter’s personal AI brigade—have fanned out. (Background Info and showing with sensory detail – sight) No doubt their orders are to find me and drag me back to the Supreme Leader. Dead or alive. (Emotion) My pulse drums in my ears. (Sensory detail and Emotion)

Once a Principal Artisan and Master Citizen, the highest caste in our domed city, I, Faron Makram, designed one-of-a-kind jewelry (Background Info) But now, I’m a fugitive, hiding in a tree to avoid Jupiter’s net. (Description and sensory detail — sight) A net that’s slowly, inexorably closing around me. (Emotion and Metaphor)

Don’t fool yerself, Faron. Yer gonna get caught. (Dialogue and Emotion) While he was alive, my father used every opportunity to taunt me. Now, even as an adult, I can’t get his voice out of my head. (Background Info but also establishing empathy for the character)“

Background information is telling, but if it’s sprinkled with sensory detail, broken up by dialogue, and peppered with emotion, the reader won’t find it objectionable.

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Need Help for a Name

I’m about two-thirds of the way through writing the second book and could use some help coming up with names for carnivorous alien birds, as well as a title for the alien cave dwellers that Andor and Faron will encounter on the surface of the Earth in the 23rd century.

Would love to hear any suggestions you might have. You can send them to plainjump@msn.com

As a thank you for reading this post, I’m pasting a section of the description of Agartha, an underground alien city, from the second book.

The city of Agartha from Chapter 9:

We remove our headlamps and place them next to his lantern. The air is humid but cool, so I drop my pack from my shoulder to shrug into my dirty cloak. Then I stuff my headlamp into my bag. Andor does the same. We sling our packs over our shoulders and follow Alistair beyond the rocks.

“Welcome to Agartha.” My uncle sweeps a hand across the scene.

I gasp, my senses bombarded.

Never before have I seen anything like this place. An enormous, high-ceilinged cavern looms ahead. It’s as bright as day but without a discernable light source. A few stalactites line the edges.

Honeyed scents tickle my nose, and real birdsong reaches my ears, unlike our domed city’s piped-in versions. The melodies are complex, sweet and pure.

We ascend a stony knoll through a narrow path in the rock. When we reach the top, I get full view of the city, and it takes my breath away. To my right, less than a mile away, stands a row of sparkling white castles, five in all, that glisten in the light. Colorful flags fly from their pinnacles, reminiscent of a scene from King Arthur’s legend.

In front of the castles lies a wide aqueduct, several hundred yards long and of the deepest blue imaginable. It’s spanned by two stone bridges, one at each end. A long road snakes between the castles and the aqueduct.

To my left and on the other side of the bridges are blue hills—yes, I said blue hills—that nearly brush the cavern’s ceiling. It’s hard to tell where the water ends and the turf starts. Horses graze on these rolling, blue-grass hills, and clusters of flowering trees, their leaves every color but green, stipple the landscape.

A hot-pink creature with multiple eyes and several tentacled appendages leaps out of the aqueduct. It flips its broad tail and then dives back in.

I lean on Andor for support. “What was that?” I gasp.

“A Guvron,” Alistair grins. “Think of it as a combination of an Old-Earth octopus, a fish and a very large insect. Quite harmless really.”

I have so many questions, but can’t decide what to ask first. Fortunately, as we approach the castles, my uncle answers some of the most pressing. “The plants and animals here are not from Earth but from a distant planet called Shalea.”